Archive for the 'Procedure' Category

If Senators were D&D Players: Filibuster Reform

Sep 14 2013 Published by under Congress,Dungeons and Dragons,Procedure,Senate

Six Dungeons and Dragons players sit around a table.  A seventh, the Dungeon Master (DM), sits at the head.

DM [Chuck]: You fail to block the goblin’s strike.  Its +2 frost blade pierces your Helm of Wonder causing 3 hit points of damage.  You fall to the stone floor, dead.

Paul (in shock): That’s not fair!  What about my Helm of Wonder’s Saving Grace spell?

DM: That’s a one-time use spell and you used it on that Ogre.

Paul: No, I said I thought about using it, I didn’t actually use it.

DM: Thinking about using it is how the Helm’s spell is activated.  You’re dead Paul.

Paul: Wait, a goblin can’t wield magical items!  That means he couldn’t have used the +2 frost blade.

DM (referring to the D&D rule book): Nope, it says here they can wield magical items not greater than short swords.  The frost blade is a short sword.  You’re dead.

Jeff: Come on, Paul; it sucks, you’re dead, but let’s just move on.

Paul: But it also says on that page that goblins fear and are vulnerable to cold.  That means it would never even touch a frost sword!

DM: Well this one was particularly brave.

Bob: Actually, I kinda agree with Paul here, I don’t think that a goblin would touch a frost sword.

John: If I were a goblin, I sure wouldn’t.

Jeff: Clearly there’s some ambiguity in the rules concerning goblins, let’s take a vote on it.  Christopher, Tom, I think you’d agree with me that the goblin could wield the sword and that Paul is dead, right?  And Chuck, as the DM your vote would break the tie, and since you agree with us, that means…

Paul (interrupting): I don’t think you all understand the significance of the origin of goblins’ fear of the cold.  Let me explain: 1500 years ago in the kingdom of Midgaard…. (10 minutes later)… and that’s when the great Goblin King, Traktok…

Jeff: Can we just get on with the vote?  Come on, Chuck, Paul’s just trying to avoid the inevitable.

DM: Actually, in our house rules, it states that we let every player make their argument, without any specified limit, before making any decision, unless at least three fifths of players feel otherwise.  So unless Bob or John feels they’ve heard enough of Goblin history…

Bob: I finished my chemistry homework, so I’m in no hurry.

John: Paul, were there any female goblins?

Jeff: That’s a stupid house rule!  Chuck, this is your house, you make the house rules, just change the rule!

DM: We’re in the middle of a quest, though, so while technically we can change the rules with a majority vote, the house rules also state that you would have to have a two thirds majority to force Paul to shut up about goblins if you’re trying to make a change to the house rules during a quest.

Jeff gets out of his chair.

Jeff: Fine, well I’m done with this quest. (Leaves)

DM: Well you all can’t continue with out a paladin, so we’ll just have to start a new quest next Saturday.

(Next Saturday, all players reconvene)

DM: Ok, today we’re going to do the Dragon’s Beak quest…

Jeff (interrupting): Wait, before we start, I think we need to change the house rules so that we don’t have a repeat of Paul’s goblin rant.  Paul, your died last week, so you’ll need to make a new character sheet and start at level one.  Now, the D&D rule book says we can make our own house rules as need be, and I think we should make it so each player can only argue their points for a maximum of five minutes, then we have to move on no matter what.  Who agrees?

Paul: Wait, I didn’t get a chance to complete my history of goblins last week!  Let me tell you about the Trek of Grogdun…

Jeff: That’s not going to work, Paul; we haven’t started the quest so the house rules don’t apply, you have to vote.

Paul: It doesn’t matter; we’re still playing at Chuck’s house, so the house rules still apply.  Now one day, Gragdun was in the goblin mines…

Jeff: No… it’s a new quest, so we can make new house rules without having to listen to any goblin rants.  The D&D rule book says we can make our own rules as need be and that supersedes any past house rules.  So I say you shut up about goblins, your character is dead, and let’s play using the old house rules but with a new rule to limit arguments to five minutes per person.

Bob: Nah…Paul’s right, most of us have our same character sheets, we’re all still playing in the same world we started two years ago.  The house rules from last time still apply.  So unless you can persuade John otherwise, I think we’d like to continue with Paul’s goblin history lesson.

John: Did Grogdun have a girlfriend?

Jeff: Bah!  Chuck, it’s your house, you’re the DM, what do you think?

DM: Actually, do any of you remember Jeff’s mountain dew rant last year?  About not wanting to have to pay a quarter for a can if you wanted one out of the fridge?  I said last time that the old house rules still applied then, even though we hadn’t started the quest yet, so I’ll have to say the same thing this time.

Jeff: Fine!  Let’s drop it then.  Paul, you’re not dead.  Let’s just get on with the Dragon’s Beak quest.

Paul: Oh, somehow I seem to have forgotten how Grogdun’s story ended.  Let’s move on with the quest then.

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